So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
