Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
