And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize