Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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