..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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