Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
