Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
