Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
