Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
