He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
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