Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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