70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
