If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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