You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
