winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
