I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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