sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
