I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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