Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
