booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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