The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
did you just send me my own nude
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
