you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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