i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
do herpes really smell.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
