i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
