I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
