Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Send help, water and tortillas.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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