If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Randomize
