Reggie can tackle my bush.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
