This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
