I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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