her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
