New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
