hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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