Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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