1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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