I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
