Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
