and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
