It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
