I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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