i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
