I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize