Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
