tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
