The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
