He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
