Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
