Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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