I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I need to stop coming to work sober
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
