We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
