I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
