btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
