dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize