Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize