four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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