the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
