Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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