i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
