Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
