my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
please come you make the beer taste better
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
