Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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