you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize