what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
