So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
