I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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