Pants 0. Shit 1.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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